I think I'm losing my ability to speak well due to speaking lesser outside these days.  Or maybe my mind had shrink in size cos' I didn't use it enough.  Living in this moment, then I forgot about yesterday and the day before and before and before.  Or was it the minor details that were slipping from my mind.  I was relying on a feeling to regain my energy.  It worked even though it was climbing up very slowly.  Then it disappeared like a spell.  Everything felt like a line between reality and illusion.  Feeling like a yo-yo.  But strangely a human heart can never be like a true roller coaster ride.  How we enjoy going up and see the awesome sight below without a feeling of being superior to others and the thrill when it came rushing down screaming our head off.  Seriously I kind of doubt when someone said having a simple mind was counted as a blessing.  I'm not sure whether I'm writing nonsense now.  I'm suffering an off-sync mind and expression at the moment.  Everything looks kind of fragmented suddenly.  I hope I'll recover soon.

"Look forward to the happenings after a task is completed & not the state of trying to finish a task."

I told a friend before, "A well rested sleep helps you to walk longer tomorrow & enjoy the sceneries too."

Good nite sweet

 Simple contentment

Sometimes I feel like dreaming

as though the world turned the wrong side up.

It looks surreal.

Time just stopped moving.

Then I just got lost in that dream.

It's hard to communicate with one who only sees things on the surface.  Of all the things I have done, one argument you turn them over to nothing.  You let yourself be the victim and closed all words trying to reason through.  I dread facing you trying to answer all the questions you want to know.  So minor, I wish there were better things to put in that diary of yours.  I tried my patience but I failed myself time to time.  I tried to talk my way through, but you rather be a victim and closed all doors.  You have to comment on every little thing I did.  From buying extra treats down to running a water tap.  You were putting red tape in every step I made.  I was like trying to breathe in a little room and you were trying to make me speak exhausting my sparse oxygen supply.  And the easiest way to brighten myself up was through taste, hence I bought the chicken add on to our plain dinner tonight, but you saw it differently and couldn't stop criticizing.  It was a silly squabble that sparkled all underneath.  Angry words we tossed to each other ending in tears and heartbreaks.  I thought my patience was more than a normal being because I was brought up differently.  But time and time again I was proven wrong.  How can you be so sure we always have a tomorrow all the time?  How can you be so sure I will be here all the time?  Don't you know the 30 percent we couldn't control in life is enough to kill one?  Why couldn't we do what we want now?  Again you only saw what happened on the surface tonight but it was more than you can comprehend over the years I had tolerate.  It pained me deeply knowing the fact that I can never close the gap between you and me.  And you will never see the real me no matter how hard I tried.  Heart fell with a thud and continued to repeat it till wide-eyed shut and try to forget.

Would you choose the ever lasting but mundane love?  Or would you choose to have a dazzling but short-lived love?  This was about the question asked in a local film I recently saw - "Love Story" directed by Kelvin Tong.  A lot of people might choose the latter without hesitation, thinking how many years are there in one's lifetime.  But the latter comes with heart break and pain.  It's hidden in between the line.  Would you still take it?  I remember another line that I like, "I want to out run faster than the feeling of my heart sinking in disappointment."  With that, the girl took the guy's hands and ran down the stairs, one floor after another right till the ground level.

The story was about a pulp-romance novel writer became popular using mixed fiction into his ordinary real life account with the three women he met at the library.  As life proceed, fiction and fact became less identifiable in the journey of searching true love.  I don't want to go too detail into it, cos' it's better for the film to unfold as you watch it.   

The simple reason I like it was how ordinary life accounts became more interesting with a dose of imagination.  I felt I was reading the novel myself and watching a play suddenly somewhere.  No film is perfect, but I enjoy watching it despite some flaws I wish they didn't exist.  Heard a lot of people feedback saying they didn't understand the film.  I would say maybe the motivation for some shots and action.  But I would be happy to show this film to my pen pal.

As life proceeds on, I wish I could get my heart out of the mud and see my days in a brighter mode.  I dunno what the hell was going on.  I seriously need some power up for the big job I was in.

I'm glad that dad came home safe and sound today.  His brake failed him suddenly on the highway, forcing him to try using the last resort of the hand brake to slow down his vehicle and turning on the car signals.  Not wanting to stop on the highway, he went through two more underground tunnels, keeping to the left lane and finally stopped near a hospital.  It was Sunday and thankfully there weren't many vehicles on the road.  When he told us tonight, we were pretty shocked and amazed that he had hanged on to the vehicle till the hospital, before calling up the tow man.  It was so dangerous.  Dad told us it had never happened to him before after driving for more than 30 years.  I was still wondering his sudden phone call when he called us this afternoon to tell us that his vehicle had broken down.  That was because he hardly called to tell us things like these.  If I am in his position, I am likely to panic and try to look for a tree to stop my car.  My second sister still added after me, "Yeah but a small tree."  I wondered is there any success rate then but still gosh... It was scary shit.

When you are down and sad, try visiting the gift cards section and imagine all are posted to you in different life stages.  It's easy to read the thoughts behind the creators when you see the designs.  Some were like 'I did my best', 'I want to be creative but my boss wanted a conventional look', 'Cool but I ran out of ideas', '99% of my brain cells died for coming up this & you better like it', 'I have fun creating this', 'Shit job sorry I need the money', 'Sudden inspiration of the day like lottery - IT WORKS!', 'I'm a mother too. Sweet newborn sweet', 'Love been treating me well', 'Good design, better left the inside blank for all occasion', 'Inspiration from my Pet - good job!', 'Death is tough to handle in life', 'Missing someone as I did this', 'I wish I called my granny often', 'I know it's recycled joke, but check out my design first', 'Why didn't you thought of it - Of course Surprise!', 'I know what I'm doing, buzz off if you don't like it', 'It really happened, this is just a re-enactment', 'I know how it feels to be sick-cold and alone', 'Cool collaborated efforts', 'Can you hear my good wishes?', 'Like it?', 'I'm born to do this!', 'I'm proud of my work', 'Brain dead, make sense?', 'Check out more of my other inspiration. Sure you will like one' ......

Looking at all the cards, I suddenly remember a lot of people I would like to send the cards to.  And I recalled the people who sent me before.  I smiled.

Could I keep this feeling brought alive once again?

Loving you is like my blessing.

I feel my heart being filled.

And even feel the current in my finger too.

No one could tell me what was wrong.

How could one being so fallen into a depth unknown?

I love being closed to you

In that little room.

And we were working good till the morning came.

Could I change this beautiful feeling to strength

and not a heartbroken pain?

No feelings can be relived through words and said

So before all the magic became lost for good.

I just want to relive this feeling once again.

With gratitude I feel the warmth that made me smiled.

I am still learning to let it go

How could foolishness felt so good?

当 你没 法 跟 上 一 个 人 的 脚 步 时，隔 着 对 方 的 人 群 或 许 就 是 距 离。

My mum told me a story, which my deceased granny had told her before.  There was a bird (not sure which species) that produced sound like "di di" (same pronunciation as the Chinese word for 'brother') and there was an origin why it was so.  According to this long time myth that was passed on till today, a man who had a son from his previous marriage remarried.  This stepmother disliked his son and eventually give birth to a son of her own.  When both boys were bigger, the stepmother gave them a seed each and told them to go up the mountain to grow the seeds.  They were only allowed to come back if the seed spouted.  Wanting to get rid of the first son, she purposely cooked the seed she passed him, so it will never grow.  Not knowing a thing, both boys went up the mountain and the stepson, who was playful, exchanged his seed with his elder brother.  As a result, when the seed spouted, the elder son came home.  And the younger one died up in the mountain.  The elder son went to look for him calling him "Di di!" ('Brother' in Mandarin).  And came this ending whereby this elder brother became a bird when he died and continued looking for his younger brother, calling "di di".  It had been a long time since I heard myths like this.  It was simple but touching.  Ultimately when one did a wicked thing, one will never know who pays for it.

Haven't do puzzles for decades.  So when I saw my friend's still uncompleted puzzles on the table, I couldn't help to try my hands on it.  It had similar colors, so it was not easy to do.  I only managed to piece 2 pieces together. 

I think we are just like a piece of puzzle trying to fit into a picture we couldn't see yet.  And because we couldn't see, we still cannot comprehend how worthy and important we were. 

The process of doing the puzzles is like life itself, trials and errors one piece at a time till you find the right piece at that right spot at that right time.  Looking at the board filled with pieces of puzzles group together a bit here and there after finding their fit by my friend, I couldn't fit any more puzzles left around on the board. 

Looking at the core junk of pieces in the box, I felt the piece I wanted to fit was still in there and I had to find it myself.

I like to share a story a friend told me about his friend who I couldn't forget for a very simple reason.  His friend was a freelancer and was waiting to be paid for some transportation claim.  However days after days, she waited like the others with no result.  One day she went to the company to ask about the matter and seeing a colleague of hers, she followed and found out her colleague got the money for the claim.  When the accountant spotted her, she shouted angrily at her why she was here and told her they didn't have money for her.  Being calm she replied that her colleague got the claim, so she was here for her's.  Finally the accountant opened the cheque, signed and threw it on the floor and said, "For the beggar, go and picked it up."  The girl smiled, bent down and picked out the cheque on the floor and left quietly.  I was curious why she didn't defend for herself after hearing this story.  My friend went on and told me once his friend got the cheque; she cashed it into her bank and relaxed.  He also asked me, what would the people who saw this think of the accountant now?  Then I told my sister about it.  She summed up the girl's admirable spirit in 4 Chinese words -  能屈能伸.  Literally these words meant "Can bent, can expand".  It means when one is in an unfavorable situation, one is able to tolerate; and when one is in a favorable situation, one is able to bring out his/her full potential.  Learning life one thing at a time, I was not able to learn and comprehend about this previously.  Now these 4 words held a special sitting in my heart.  And they can produce a thing called strength.