Perhaps I found the answer to my problem.  Now it's a matter of time to answer whether I should go to face it.

Nevertheless, I was pretty comforted and happy to hear what I had never anticipated before tonight.  Of a past embarrassing memory I did.  The night I left my spot from the bottomless pit from the cold waiting to where my inner soul was with a smiling face.

4 hours later after dinner, hunger strike again.  Whenever there are characters eating instant noodles in the dramas, I always feel tempted to eat too.  Especially in Korea dramas with the spice even though I'm still learning to eat it.  Beat an egg into my hot soup tonight but it disappeared without much trace.  Felt kind of sad.  My comfort food gone to waste.

> Wow, love the hot vapour!  The second pict look 'cold' already...

Now I'm just one token away from a gift redemption.  Hahaha...finally...sigh > just for fun.  Since my sister bought so many.

I seriously missed eating omelette with chicken.  Guess I'm too disturbed by work lately and starting to think of my comfort food.  See how tempting it is!!! 

I'm still keeping my friend's "Ha Jia! Ha Jia!" (Keep your chin up; a form of encouraging word in Korean) in my handphone.  She also needed her fair share for the next 3 days.  My only strategy for her tomorrow is stop cutting so much and holds the shots in order to finish in time.  I'm still pretty disturbed by the editing timeline given nowadays and the "No budget" calls.

The No#1 top dish I fear; teeth-shattering most from my mum's record is her fried rice!  She made it again today after so many years.  It must have been more than 5 years.  The smell was still the same, I almost freak out.  But looking at it this time round, it looked different from the one in the past.  She only used dark soya sauce, cabbage and Chinese seasoned sausages to fried the rice.  Surprisingly, it didn't taste too bad.  A very simple dish to do within a short time.  Just a pity that it would taste even better if it had more ingredients like egg and meat.  Maybe green vegetables too to replace the cabbage would be nice.  My suggestion resulted her chiding.  I forgot to open my lines with praising first, which I really meant it. 

After a long hard labour today, we ended the night with 3 cans of dessert happy opening.  2 more cans ended in trash due to expired dates.  Mum mentioned the other day to me that, when life was still very poor back then when she was young, she used to long for a can of preserved dessert like these selling on the shelves today, because my grandparents couldn't afford to buy even one can.  She felt ironic that she rarely eats them when she could afford nowadays.  Still I feel contented & feel very grateful for the food tonight.

 Good nite cyberspace!

How the Haze look like lately...

PSI (Pollutant Standards Index) today reported at 61. 

"The fires from the slash-and-burn practices of farmers and plantation owners engaged in land clearing in Kalimantan and Sumatra have resulted in the thick smoke shrouding Singapore and Malaysia since last month." - Bangkok Post

I find it extremely painful to announce a decision today.  Cos' I had chosen my mind over my heart to continue in a project that started off because of goodwill.  Finally it evolves to an independent film of its own.  Since I feel so dead now, maybe two deaths can result one life.  Maybe just maybe if I'm lucky enough, I can find my lost soul on the way.  I'm still hopeful in a way to create a new spirit out from a whole lot of footages.  I want to create magic!  I stumbled upon some celebrities' blog last night, and really envy when they wrote things like they are really to charge ahead and would work hard for better performance.  Especially knowing how hectic their schedules can be usually, and how hard it is to stay on in the picture.  I decided to climb the mountains ahead with my bare hands without any strings attached.  I'm not giving myself any room for a back up plan.  It may result the best climb or the best fall.  Yes just my way of e-x-p-r-e-s-s-i-o-n.  GO! GO! GO!

New grey fridge in service since last night after our 13 years old White fridge passed away.  Delightful to find everything are cold inside.  We've come to appreciate the 'cold' temperature after the old one was running a high fever.  And I couldn't wait to welcome it with my colorful touch from the world. 

Nice grey...

Last night, while my soul was still out in dreamland, my mind announced that if a thing had a head and a tail but without the body, it was a dismembered corpse.  I dunno whether that was a warning or an advice.  I mean think of it as a matter.  I thought that was kind of interesting, especially reading it over in Mandarin.  When you are lost, do you count on your heart or your mind?  I feel really dead today.

Had very weird dreams these couple of days.  1^st I was married to a stranger & told to bathe in public cos' there wasn't a proper washroom.  Then on the 2^nd day, a group of crews and I fly to London to do an outdoors shoot.  A girl lost her heels and I had to go and buy a pair for her but failed to find and the other 2 shops I remembered had closed down.  The location looked exactly like a dream I had before and the underground train stations (MTR or otherwise known as MRT in my country) too.  How surreal.  One of the crew & I were on bicycles traveling past a countryside.  The scenery was so beautiful, I lamented I didn't have my digital camera with me, or else I would love to post it on my blog.  Then flying back to our country, we realized we didn't shoot enough footage to make the film looked like it was also shot in London.  So back the crew came without me due to budget constraint.  But I went anyway; only to find out we still owe the hotel money from the previous trip.  Now saying it, I don't find them weird anymore.  I had this weird idea, maybe all these weren't dreams, but actually took place on another dimension.  I remembered the train stations, the mall and the bus routes. 

Part of the ceiling décor frame that lined the whole outline of my bedroom ceiling had fallen 2 nights ago with a big thud.  Good that no one was injured.  The sleeping space on my bed had became smaller as a result, cos' I was worried the remaining ceiling décor frame right above my head will drop as well, killing me in my sleep.  Due to the bed frame not nailed and limited space, the only thing I could compromise from being hit is shifting my body down, till my legs are hanging out of the bed.  And the best solution is of course to tear the ceiling frame down ourselves.

Recently just pondering the reason for the heat of Korean drama & Taiwanese drama sweeping across the globe like a Tornado.  I love the addiction and the immensity in someone's cool fantasies.  And how normal people became celebrities overnight due to the characters they played.  As I looked at the bigger picture, it can become surreal cos' suddenly it's hard to differentiate between reality and fantasy.  I see people trying to escape the monochrome and mundane of reality.  So watching well-delivered dramas helped one to put troubles aside for the time being and getting inspiration from the characters played.  So life in a way became hopeful suddenly.  How about the people in front of the camera, doing 'modern' reincarnation from one story to the next?  At times, unable to drawn themselves out of the characters played, at times lost in a world of marketing and appearances.  Watching enjoyable dramas like these, even films, I thought I would love to edit dramas and get lost in a world of fantasy.  Maybe I didn't edit enough dramas to say these, but I was standing at the intersection between reality and fantasy.  I was neither here nor there.  The feeling is like an animal not able to go into hibernation during winter, and eventually frost to death and hunger. Lately I am worried cos' I couldn't hear my heartbeat anymore.  I am scared that I couldn't come up with good work anymore.  There are things I want to do, but I lack the energy to climb the mountains ahead of me.  I had all the stupid excuses to delay it further.  It's funny how one who doesn't have a specific plan and one who has a script ended in clouded vision.  Reality feel so surreal, like I can make a difference.  Yet sometimes I feel like a fragment of someone's fantasy.

I was on 'Youtube' all day today, sampling some dramas and variety programs.  I like to think I'm working, how cool is that?  Watching is part of my research and self-study.  I went to check out the Taiwanese drama - "Mars" and like the refreshing topics on autistics and mental problems the characters had.  I feel happy to see Vic Chow.  I recalled a funny incident, which I only told a friend.  I like to visit stores that sell idols pictures at times, cos' I like to see how photographers take pictures of artistes, and also admire works of God of both sexes.  I particularly like candid shots more.  They look more natural and 'real'.  Some pictures made me want to draw them.  I always feel like I'm going to a porno shop cos' I don't want to be seen among those teenagers who went bonker looking at their idols' pictures.  I think I already past that age, so it's always pretty embarrassing.  Hence once I went to check out Vic Chow photos and this sales assistant came up to me to offer his assistance, which I politely replied that I was just looking around.  I didn't expect this 'helpful' sales assistant to observe me from far.  Finally he came over and 'announced', "Oh you like Vic Chow huh?  Here got some more photos.  These are all very nice.  You see!"  I was red with embarrassment looking around me.  Having said that, I dunno why I bring this up.  Maybe memories did.

Pictures from :  http://ameblo.jp/vicchow/" title="http://ameblo.jp/vicchow/" target="_blank"http://ameblo.jp/vicchow/

With my clouded mind, I couldn't see very far. 

Can one's vision in grey turn to colors?

Can one's cold words turns into the summer sun?

A simple mind can arouse one's anger.

I wish one to meet better people.

So the heart will stay opened,

And more kind words will lessen the distance apart.

My visits to this precious space have been less frequent lately due to work.  I wonder did anyone miss me here.  Just a silly thought.  I'm afraid to open my eyes every morning lately that I'll have another relapse of my eyes condition that the doctor had given a very scary name to it - "cornea erosion".  Actually it won't cause blindness that the doctor had confidently ensured me that.  Taking this name literally, it happened when my eyes are too dry and causing a sharp pain in the eyes when I open them, and took a short while for the pain to ease off and finally left me a 'soft' focus vision for the rest of the day.  Then everything will be fine the next day.  Lately my eye drops and ointment are struggling hard in the morning with the rather dry and bad air pollution resulted from the nearby country, Indonesia with the forest fire set by the farmers to clear the lands to grow their crops.  Every year we have to deal with the same kind of problem.  There's never an easy way out of it.  When you can't see what's in front of you, either turn on your headlights or stop moving altogether.

This story is popularly mentioned among writers in the West when they want to illustrate an example of effective use of poetry:

One freezing winter, there was a blind beggar on a busy street of New York.  On his neck, hung a sign that said, "I been Blind Since Young".  One day, a Poet walked past him, and the beggar begged for some money.  The Poet said, "I'm very poor too.  How about I give you something different?"  Saying that, he took the sign from the beggar's neck and wrote something.  That day, the beggar won a lot of sympathy and donation.  When he met the Poet again one of the days, he asked him what he had wrote on his sign.  The Poet smiled and replied, "Spring is arriving but I won't be able to see it."

It's said that for the sake of keeping dreams, one's soul can endure the fiery flame, walk through the desert barefooted, and endure the freezing winter's time.  Then I must be the worst demon ever to my soul, trying to have the best of everything.  Another day had gone with close to 24 hours work.  I couldn't help to keep asking myself the same question.  But my soul keeps telling me different things...  I'm my worst critic.

Happy to hear from 2 on a trip today :