A beautiful meeting it was when chanced upon a good screenplay & seeing it well delivered. So fully absorbed into the story that awakened my heart & my passion.  I could followed it & care not where it would lead me to, & death felt nothing in my blood that gushed inside feeling high from replaying the scenes, the music & lines spoken.  I would rather die than not doing anything in my life.  A day feeling like these didn’t come easy, nor does it come frequent.  Not that there ain’t many good work, but some will strike chords deep inside.  I wished there was a path I could follow where it would leads me to my full potential.  I have yet find it, & feared if that day would really come.  I have brought back my soul & self from my trip this time, but my heart was so saddened by the gloomy scene ahead.  I have neither power nor wits to change what lies around me.  I asked what more I could do.  I was tempted to draw a wild card to see the World lying on the other side, rather than being in the safe comfort zone.  I wish I found my full potential & used it all.  Yes all of it till my time is up.  A script that I wrote was lost close to 10 years ago surfaced again & I was shocked that I was the one who actually wrote that.  There are friends who know your sensitivity, but will not specially stretch out their hands to you nor offer a hug.  Does that add more steadiness to a heart or independence I do not know.  This is life & you have to grow in it.  Don't despair for you still have yourself.  Let there be light, let there be strength, and let there be courage for all who continue to walk on without turning back. Yes take heart.

It was half moon tonight.  I find myself humming to the popular childhood song "Little White Boat".  Not known to many, it was originally titled as "Half Moon" & was written & composed by a Korean before it was translated to Chinese & other languages.  Glancing up from the bus, the half moon had an added pair of wings due to the light flare that was caused by the glass.  It 'flew' away in the middle of the journey, & greeted me in its true earth form when I alighted the bus.  The sky was also companied by some pale distant stars, that were paled by the bright city lights, except for one in its bright, fiery glow. Yes I saw you.

The night was drowned in a crowd of intercrossing lengthy conversations that couldn't be subtitled in the coffeeshop.  The elderly were working hard serving the drinks & clearing & sorting the finished eaten plates. Even if they were still able & agile, it was a painful sight to behold for their age.  I found myself sitting in the smoking zone half way through my meal but was too lazy to move.  Someone was busking with a guitar in the street, but I couldn't see where the source was from.  All that painful feelings had gone.  I didn't confronted the source, but my feelings. A lot of things could happened in a span of 4 years.  For example, my grandpa used to stubbornly go to Malaysia on his own despite the anxiety & worry he caused to the family.  At his dear age of 90 now, his knees could barely walk him far below the HDB block.  Anger & pain that were assured & buried like a sleeping volcano, erupted out of the blue with a shout of "I care!"  Now I don't. Some bad feelings had to let go.

I still couldn't see a complete me.  Like a half moon, yet revolving to its full cycle.  Like a jigsaw puzzles scattered in the people around you, there is no complete picture even placed together.  Some people make you see a better you.  Some people make you want to be a better you.  Some people surprise you by discovering the unknown you.  Some people bring out the worst in you, making you fear is that really you.  Some people make you see a false you.  Some people make you see an empty you.  What contribute to one's maturity?  Does time make one a wiser man? How many more roads & paths does one has to walk to be a better person?  I wish I have the answers......  

 I heard a meaningful quote from a horror drama at work today (Chinese - English translated)

 "Spending time with the elderly, is like attending the children.  They want more love & concern.  The only difference between them is, the children will become stronger as time passed, but the elderly become weaker."

Time is 'abundant' to a kid for a future lies ahead, but time is 'lesser' for an elderly facing death possibility.  Be patience, be kind.

The last of the Lunar 7 month ended with the tick tock of midnight just couple of hours ago.  Mum said at the breakfast that our dearly departed relatives were making their way back.  I like to think that the deceased were really given a month to come back every Chinese Ghost Festival to visit their love ones.  Before I knew it, the ghost month festival had ended.  And we had our silent goodbyes.  I felt we were looked after during this time.

And this morning, I had a very peaceful dream, and it was so nice & warmth that I refused to get out of the bed. Dreamt of a person I haven't met...  It felt like a last 'mail' attention to me...

I failed to complete the task I wanted to complete during this period.  So now I am on my own & i will continue on.  I hope good things await.  After my much delayed archive & transferring, Dad finally has his computer & I hope he will make full use of it.  I still have some purchases to make & computer mouse ended top on my list as I wrote this. 

 I felt the need to mark this day. Silently i bid my goodbye, with the last of my empty promises.  Night is filled with the croaking toads after the rain.  Then they stopped.  My mind still went on croaking low low low.  Then they came back on again......

Saw my favorite Chef Eric in tears today.  Although that was on the LCD screen, but he continued to impress me.  Buzzing Cashier is a reality TV show where the hosts help stall owners to save their poor food business through engaging different cuisine chefs needed for that particular business & to give training to the stall owners.  There were many memorable & at times really tedious characters, & not to mention why some really deserved to be scolded in the kitchen harshly by the chefs some times.  Chef Eric caught my eyes most among the others.  For one he was really really loud.  He is really powerfully noticeable in the kitchen especially when one made a terrible mistake.  Just when one thought he is a fierce character, watch the program on, you will soon realize his outrageous humor & it's hard to ignore his dimple when he laughs.  Today I saw a man who tears & expressed himself openly in front of the TV without a single embarrassment, yet still looked so man & that really charmed me in awe despite his age.  (He looks about in his 40s.)  My friend still teased me whether he is married.  Of course he IS!  Story for the week after next (14th Sept)was:

A mother was badly burnt by a burning hot pot at work, which fell & boiled injuries down from her thighs onwards, forcing her to quit her stall.

A father's leg was amputated due to diabetics & couldn't tend the stall too.

A son in his 20s, simply quit his job & took over his parents' dessert stall & piling debts.  Sincerity tears his eyes to take up the TV challenge, to save their stall.  However, he suddenly fell sick & has to be hospitalized for 2 weeks.  So the mother has to take over the show despite her painful injuries & learnt from Chef Eric, so that she could teach her son when he is discharged.  The moments moved Eric; he was reminded of his mother...

There were many unforgettable & moving characters for the show.  This coming Monday (7th Sept), you shall witness a mother who took over the Nasi Lemak Stall (pandan leaves & coconut soaked rice with dishes) from her husband who was diagnoses with diabetics.  She only has 2 hours of sleep to prepare all those food needed at the stall.  Buzzing Cashier would help her to learn 2 new dishes to replace what she used to sell, so that she could have more time to sleep & take care of her family.  My heart went up to her for her enormous display of strength & endurance & still able to keep her smiling face.  That made me cried.  Host Chuan Yifeng was able to make her break down in tears by asking whether she disguised her emotion with her smile.  She told her to let go & cry whenever she is tired & pained.  When her husband is asked whether he would marry her again in his next life.  He replied, "No."  The reason was simply he didn't want her to suffer with him again.  Yet she replied she would marry him again.  I was deeply saddened by her 10 years son who failed to understand his mother & couldn't give her a needy hand.  I hope after the program is aired, he will change & play a thoughtful & supportive role to his family.

Buzzing Cashier Season 2

Every Monday 8pm , Sept 2009

CH 8

Singapore

The Windy heavy downpour came unexpectedly in the afternoon.  I was glad to be in the car & also not the one who was driving.

By evening, I caught the green monster looking fishy...

Oh I see now...

Good! He can have the chips, while we dive straight to the Buffet Dinner...

My instant Snowman made using toilet paper! I was one of the fastest & didn't break the toilet paper in the contest. Hahah...poor girl but she got a little green monster toy end of it.  It's worth it!

Now I am sleepy & tired but happy...... Zzzz Goodnight Cyber space Zzzzzz

The guy came in with a really big bouquet in his hand like he was going to propose.  Bemp.  No we were just friends.  He walked in with a big smile like he had won a lottery.  I looked at him puzzled & asked, "Is this for the party?"

He replied, "Stand up."

"Why?" I stood up.

He rubbed my back & with a hug, he said, "Sorry..."  I was caught in surprise. 

That was a sweet apology being offered with a big thank you in it as well.

And he added, "This is to remind you too that's how I am at times."

Yes, how often words & gestures are so easily misunderstood. 

I'm glad I've earn a friend, & he is a very sunny funny one... 

Although I was late about 30 mins (Thanks to my Gold Fish memory that happens like a short circuit!), but I am so glad to catch the "Kallang Roar" movie tonight on Okto channel. A feel good local movie with good spirits & punches! It relives our ultimate Past Soccer Glory which shook the whole nation & how all Singaporeans of different races got together cheering & supporting our National Team. In the meantime, enjoy one of its official Trailers. I am truly glad that this film was made!!! Thank you to all the hardworking team, people& film makers behind the scene!!! I certainly heard the LION ROARS Tonight!!!

If God answered my prayer tonight, then my mum was my guardian Angel of the night.  My dad was leaving for a trip tonight & days before I took up the challenge to drive the car back alone from the Airport.  Having passed my licence this year, I still didn't drive enough to be familiar with the road, let alone driving at night (I only did it once).  I took the test seriously & even took a bus to the Airport 3 days ago silently to be familiar with the night route.  I studied the map again & again.  I was confident I remember everything I needed to know.  I was eager to complete this task & not failed my dad.  As the time ticked nearer & nearer, I was excited & nervous.  My older sister refused to go on the trip with me.  Hence I braved myself to do this alone.  We were to go on the trip after we had our dinner.

I almost tripped myself over on my way to the dinning table saying something I couldn't remember.  I blamed my shoes.  Anyway, my mum decided to come along after our dinner.  I was still teasing her that I would be even more nervous with her around.  She could get excited & talked loudly & distracted me.  No matter what, she insisted her way.  Down in my heart, I didn't take her seriously & still think she could get me in trouble.

There we go & dad even decided to orientate me with a bit of the road before U turning back to the Airport.  Mum was still chatting away behind & asking some unrelated questions.  I thought I remembered, thinking should anything failed, I could always rely on the road signs.  And so we said our goodbyes at the departure drop off point after moving his luggage onto the trolley.  I looked at him, & lost my Chinese train of words to wish him the best on the journey, I ended up completing my wishes in English.  Filled with excitement, I calmly took over the steering wheel & not to worry my dad.  Finally the test begun like a reality drama going ‘live' on TV.  At least in my head & in my face.

It wasn't easy to judge the distance of the cars by the rear mirror due to all the shinny headlights they were on.  I drove with so much caution, mum ended up asking me to drive faster.  I was shocked to see my speed at only 40km/hr.  Ok speed up.  I passed the budget terminals & remembered to keep to the extreme left to go to PIE expressway.  1 point passed.  Next came to a ‘Y' section, I remember to drive on the right side, but wait I wasn't near enough to see the road sign.  Left or right?  Did I miss something?  I decided to head towards the right side, but as I drove nearer, my mum announced it was wrong & I should head towards the left that will leads to another ‘Y' section to TPE.  Thinking still in time, I turn my steering wheel to change route dangerously, only to meet a white car speeding behind me heading the left side honking me.  Thank God, I managed to brake in time & was shocked to see it coming so close to where my mum was sitting.  The driver managed to slow down in time & speed off showing his finger.  Thank God, there weren't any vehicles behind us that would surely multiply the problem.  Mum didn't see how close it was but she told me not to panic even heading the wrong way & I shouldn't do this again.  She coolly said the most we get lost in the way & find our way out of the small Singapore.  At that moment, I thought maybe mum can be a cool driver & laughed off any silly drivers she encountered & still get to the destinations.  I seriously think I almost kill my mother tonight.  My legs felt soft thinking of the whole episode.  I felt guilty thinking she wouldn't be of any help even if she came on the trip with me.  I felt sorry for the driver who I almost ran into.  God knows who else was on board his car.  I'm truly sorry.  The rest of the trip came a lot easier from my memory & my study.  We were finally heading home!

I put my mum down & thinking quietly to myself, how long would it take me to park it in the middle between my neighbors' car.  It didn't take me long as my mum stood by the grass at the side; continue to assist me whether I was coming close to any of the cars & whether it was safe to continue whatever I was doing.  Wow she really didn't leave me behind.  Finally I could call my dad to announce our safe arrivals.  And I earned his "Well done" from another end of the phone.  I didn't forget to give credits to my mum.  She is truly my Angel of the night.

(P/S: Never try this on the road.  The writer continues her learning & hope she won't endanger another life in near future.  Seriously.)

I found myself waking up in shock seeing a stern older man sitting opposite my seat looking disapprovingly at me.  God knows how long he been sitting there looking at my ugly sleeping face out in the open & not in my own bedroom.  Worst if he happened to be a guest or a visitor of the company.  Like a kid being caught for smoking in the toilet by the teacher, my mind was racing fast to attempt to remove myself from such an embarrassing situation.  An Indian lady arrived and smiled at me warmly before taking the seat beside me.  Should I pretend I was waiting for somebody, & it took so long that I fell asleep?  I looked at my watch.  Ok not very convincing.  Or should I pretend I was waiting for someone coming in from the reception, and it took so long that I fell asleep?  Fat chance.  Oh I wished he stopped his disapproving look.  Ok I realized my mistake.  "You were the third lucky one who got to see my ugly sleeping face in the week."  The other two lucky ones were actually Caucasian couple who were tourists & probably shocked to see an endless head nodding demonstration of a dozing lady right in front of them in a train one fine afternoon.  If they think that worth a place or two on their digital camera, wait till they were on the evening rush hour train or morning train I tell you.  My case was really chicken feet or otherwise known as small case if you don't understand my Singaporean phrase.  It was 1 of the ultimate Singapore sightings to see us sleeping on trains and even on buses.  Majority of Singaporeans work too long & hard!!!

A steady stream of people arrived & made their way past the barrier gates with continuously ‘tee' of their passes.  I sat there like a silly cow, not knowing how I could exit naturally from the pasture that had been stampeded by me.  Finally I got up & pick up my plastic bag of tidbits from the table in front of me & made my way to the security door that led me back into the station buildings. Phew... I wish I knew why I bother saving myself from a stranger stare.  As I walked past the carpark, I noticed a handful of vans & buses parked by the pavement inside the TV station compound.  They were used for outdoor filming by the Production teams.  I couldn't help but imagine them being turned into an instant resting haven with opened arms to any staff who need their rest.  Imagined going up to an air-conditioned bus armed with comfortable seats & catching a wink or two there.  A vehicle with 2 uses.  Com'mon let the company pay the transport company & make it a form of staff benefit.  Ok for hygiene purpose, the staff will bring their own towels so no one will dirty the seat headrest.  Finally add curtains for each seat, so no one can peek who was sleeping inside.  I don't think I want to wake up seeing another pair of disapproving eyes staring back at me.  That would be a living nightmare!

Today I received a present from a friend.

(An Aftermath appearance with its content removed )

It may be a common way to wrap like this, but my attention was captured by how nicely folded & wrapped it was when I received it despite there were a few bulky items inside.  Not to mention how proportionate were the folds & even the tapes being cut & pasted underneath.  The ribbon on top was secured with a staple & in turn it was being taped down by a scotch tape at the back.  This was to prevent the ribbon from coming out accidentally.  My friend told me the shop assistant did the wrapping.  A stranger I was, but it was not hard to tell a lot of heart was put in to do the wrapping.  That touches me.

Today I re-realized the simple reason to do one's own dream, which I have forgotten.  I kept anticipating for good result, but I had forgotten what a heart was.

I think I lost the door I used to own.  I felt weak & helpless if I continue to fear & mourn over my precious loss, more time will be wasted. May I create another door.  It maybe hard to start from fresh cos' there ain't anything there when I opened it.  Still I may as well start packing things in rather than stranded outside feeling lost.

Someone mentioned 30 years old was another brand new start, another stage in life.  I would rather prefer to see myself given a brand new day which time I opened my eyes. A brand new day packed with 1440 minutes.  It's definitely a good figure to start with.  Comes what may...

As I glanced up to the sky before the sun set for the day... 

I saw a rainbow.

Surprise of the day... OMG (well hidden despite its size...)

Happy Family

Friendship

Thank you guys & gals! U made my day with sweetness.

Here I Stand & bow.

I am glad that I'm Still With U.

I just want u to Know.

 Kisses & Hugs